My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.