[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.