A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
the way this pissed me off… 😭