a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
reviewed some movies recently
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Good news
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
These aren’t even hard anymore.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..