My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
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Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.