If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment