50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
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Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.