I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
No, he would not have.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Is fructose made with real fruct?