The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
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*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
spot the difference
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon