[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.