ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix