Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
You Might Also Like
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X