[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My neck my back my allergy attack
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.