Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
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Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!