I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches