Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I support this random dude and all his protests
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful