[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!