I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
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I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.