You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.