I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x