Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Breaking news:
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”