Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*