Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Risking my life for fun.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*