to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.