My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.