When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside