The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I think about this a lot
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.