Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
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Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Snapes on a plane.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Nomnomnomnom
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.