Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
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Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
ready to be harvested
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Dishonest mechanic?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”