What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
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Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Its a hippotatomus
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store