To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.