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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
This guy gets it.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.