You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Expect the unexporcupine.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective