*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?