“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
It’s the weekend y’all