A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
A fake ID that makes you younger