My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes