Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
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Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
handsome & gretel
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.