Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
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“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
adding to the discourse
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”