Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.