Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?