When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Damn what did I do next
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO