People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
This makes total sense…
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me