My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
You Might Also Like
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
me hitting on a model
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
the simulation is moving too fast
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Snapes on a plane.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.