At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
found this cool rock hiking today
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you