Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.