Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
*ernest hemingway voice*
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*