If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
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I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard