On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it