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Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band